Monday, November 26, 2007

If They Made A Movie : Captain Planet

Do you remember waking up early to get ready for school and watching "Captain Planet and the Planeteers" well you ate breakfast? Well, that's when I always saw the show. It gave me something to watch well I chomped down what ever I leftovers I found in the fridge that I decided to eat as my gourme breakfast.

Anyways, I was wondering, what if they made this show into a movie. Hollywood is always looking at older tv shows to make a few bucks at the box office so why not Captain Planet? They probably are too scared of getting things wrong but I think the truth is that they are worried the movie will become too much of a hippy, earth hugging love fest. So, I'll take the first step and make the following suggests on what I think they need to do to make this a great movie.

Captain Planet - Ty Pennington of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition

WHY? They both have the same "good guy image" (even after Ty got a DUI charge and I wouldn't be surprised if Captain Planet had one too), they have the same hair cut, they are both partially annoying well being equally cool, and both are great at bad dialogue.

Kwame - Nick Cannon of Drumline
WHY? He's young, black, and he still has a career so somebody out there likes him and who ever they are they will watch this movie. Besides, Kwame is pretty much part of the group only because of affirmative action so no one really cares about him so I doubt we will have to see much of Cannon on screen anyways.

Wheeler - Shia LaBeouf of Transformers
WHY? Shia is a rising star right now. He one those names that people are starting notice and could be one of the next big movies stars. Get him now before he asks for too much money. Also, Wheeler, as we all know, is the only Planeteer that anyone ever really wanted to be. He had the ability to call up fire so he will definitely be the true star of this picture so Shia will be a great name at the top of the movie poster.

Linka - Jessica Boehrs of Eurotrip
WHY? In Eurotrip Jessica had the "sexy foreign blond" cliché well covered. She has a sexy accent, a great body, and no body really cares too much how well she acted because we mostly had our attention attached to her chest. Besides, who else is there really? Most blonde actresses are American or Canadian and would probably have a terrible fake accent.

Gi - Katie Leung of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
WHY? Another character that wasn't very important to the show. She was just a pretty Asian girl filling in the rainbow of ethnicities so all we need is a pretty Asian girl to play her. Katie would be great because she is cute and will probably bring in the Harry Potter fans just by mentioning that she was in one of the Potter movies.

Ma-Ti - Kal Penn of Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle
WHY?I everyone's first thought is that annoyingly unfunny Wilmer Valderrama from "That 70s Show" but I decide to go with someone with far more talent. Honestly, I fell bad making anyone Ma-Ti because he was the most useless Planeteer. The power of "heart" was such a pathetic attempt to create a "cuddly and kid friendly" power they might as well have had him scream out "rainbows" or "daffodils" for all the good his abilities did for the show. Despite my dislike of making anyone be Ma-Ti, he still needed to complete the set so Kal Penn's ability to add comic relief to a movie should come in handy.

As for Gia, all they need to do is find some random old actress who is into recycling and protecting the environment so she can add both a name and money to the project.

Christopher Nolan is my first pick because any man who can revive the Batman franchise with the masterpiece Batman:Beings is definitely a director needed to make this a great movie. He would give the movie a darker tone which would appeal to the now 20 something males that used to watch the show. He would also add the much needed realism to the screenplay and will probably add a lot of credibility to the project.

The story needs an actual physical villain that Captain Planet can fight unlike Superman Returns where the climax of the movie was Superman lifting a rock. Captain Pollution, the anti-Captain Planet from the show, would be perfect for the movie because it requires that most of the villains from the show to appear in the movie and would create a whole "good versus evil" effect. The villains all need to be evil in the sense that we have know they would kill someone, not must steal a candy bar from a helpless toddler.

The overall story needs to revolve around the fact that this is world wide disaster taking place not just localized to just the United States. This movie is about Captain Planet and the Planeteers, not Commander Americans and the Patriotic Teenagers. The big advantage to making a global battle is that this will force the Planeteers to summon Captain Planet to fight the main villain well they each break off to go and fight the subvillians in different parts of the world. The only downfall to this aspect is that it would require a good budget (or a creative director) to ensure the realism of disasters (probably tsunamis, earthquakes, and wild animals attacking people so Ma-Ti has something to do).

A love story between Wheeler and Linka would probably be the most likely romance element of the movie but it needs to be downplayed. It should be mostly hints of flirting that results in a key moment when Wheeler saves Linka during the climax of the movie. Above all else, no cheesy love dialogue with the words "love," "dreams," "hope," "believe," or "heart." These are teenagers from different countries, good old body language, awkward moments, and eye contact should suffice.

The comedic element of the movie should revolve around little jabs at international misconceptions. Don't make the Asian girl the smartest of the group. Don't make the American the biggest jerk. Don't make the black guy "street" in any way (yes, I am aware this will be difficult with Nick Cannon as Kwame but that's why I am hoping a better actor comes along).

These are just a few of the key ideas I have. I left my description open so that it is scene mostly as guidelines rather the movie itself. This movie will be a hard one to write and I don't envy anyone who tries it because it will involve a thorough knowledge of other countries, cultures, governments, and the mechanics of natural disasters. This is if they want to make it a good script. Above all else though, what ever they do, the story can not contain any of the following clichés:

  • Aliens invading Earth

  • Toxic waste, New Orleans floods, Malibu fires, or rainforest deforesting.

  • Cheesy pop songs

  • Time travel

  • Big business trying to pollute the world for money

  • Tim Allen

  • "Moral lessons" about the world's pollution

  • Any appearance of real life celebrities playing themselves protecting the environment

I know my description of the story is a little vague ("a little" being a great understatement), but honestly I don't want to write the whole thing out because then


Anonymous said...

Oprah for Gaia?

a cat of impossible colour said...

This is hilarious :) And I completely agree with you on all points. Also agree with the commenter who suggested Oprah for Gaia ... it's the kind of thing Oprah would love.

Who would direct, I wonder...?

Anonymous said...

haha, yo already got the perfect cast :)

Anonymous said...

Omg I want this to happen!!!! lol