Thursday, March 01, 2007

12 Hottest Nerd Crushes

Maxim Online has a list of the 12 hottest nerd crushes and since I've been gone for awhile... I decided to go ahead and bring you the entire article. So if Maxim finds out and gets angry... it's your fault.


12. Liv Tyler (Arwen Undómiel), The Lord of the Rings
Granted, she wasn't the purtiest gal in the LOTR trilogy—that would be Orlando Bloom—but her pert-lipped princess upped a whole new generation of fantasy fetishists' expectations for elvish tail.

11. Milla Jovovich (Leeloo Minai Lekarariba-Laminai-Tchai Ekbat De Sebat—seriously, that's her full name), The Fifth Element
The primordial shrieks, the speaking in tongues, the acrobatic dives from tall building and speeding car alike… In short, nerds dig Leeloo because she reminds them of their moms.

10. Natasha Henstridge (the naked, occasionally very angry alien chick), Species
Of course, when she impaled some random dude with her tongue during a make-out session, she added a layer of dread to an exercise that already set hearts a-palpitatin' among the nerdlinger set.

9. Jennifer Garner (Sydney Bristow), Alias
The show's mythology lost us after a few seasons—wasn't it eventually revealed that Sydney was her own mother or something?—but the costumes never did. Note to future starlets: Well-tailored schoolgirl and dominatrix getups can do an awful lot to conceal your profound inability to emote.

8. Æon Flux, Æon Flux
She kills. She does somersaults. She catches flies with her eyelashes (just like Phyllis Diller!). The animé-ted Ms. Flux doesn't communicate all that well, preferring a series of grunts, sighs and giggles (again, Phyllis Diller). That said, as far as mute, assassinatin', backflippin' cartoon characters go, Æon totally kicks Smurfette to the curb.

7. Jeri Ryan (Seven of Nine), Star Trek: Voyager
The Trek has come a long way from Scottie's paunch and brogue, hasn't it? If Mr. Blackwell were commenting on Seven's nothing-to-the-imagination jumpsuits, he'd say something like, "Set your phasers to STUNNING!" Then he'd inch closer to death's sweet embrace, hating himself just a little bit more.

6. Famke Janssen (Dr. Jean Grey/Phoenix), X-Men
There's something about a smart-gal-gone-bad (more like telepathically superbad, actually) that never fails to whirr a fan boy's propeller. Separately, how come X-Men Nation never entirely warmed to Halle Berry's Storm? She's got glowing eyes and she can make it hail. Like a man needs anything more in a mate?

5. Lara Croft, Tomb Raider
Not that any of these gals are remotely attainable, but this impossibly dimensioned tart gets bonus points for literally being the figment of some video-game designer's imagination. That most people prefer the pixelated Lara to the one embodied by Angelina Jolie in the two Croft movies says an awful lot, none of it good, about us as a society.

4. Grace Park (Lt. Sharon "Athena" Agathon/Lt. Sharon "Boomer" Valerii), Battlestar Galactica
She gets the nod over cast mate Tricia Helfer's Number 6 for a single reason: Helfer, who plays a cylon frostier than a mug o' root beer on the show, recently dropped her space drawers for Playboy (photos available at alt.battlestar.nerdbooty). Park, on the other hand, remains as mysterious to this audience as the outdoors.

3. Carrie-Anne Moss (Trinity), The Matrix
Whether her form-fitting suit was leather, pleather, or vinyl, she cut quite the figure in it, especially when bounding off walls and displaying the best high kick this side of Radio City Music Hall (hoy-o!). Too bad the producers saddled her with actual human emotions in the two sequels.

2. Gillian Anderson (Dana Scully), The X Files
Remember the episode, set in Las Vegas, when Scully, like, totally transformed into the anti-Scully and started hitting on the Lone Nerdm…er, Gunmen? That was cray-zee! Scully would no sooner swim in that pool than wear a miniskirt.

1. Carrie Fisher (Princess Leia), Star Wars: Episode VI—Return of the Jedi
The nerd-universe equivalent of Phoebe Cates doffing her top in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

NOTE:The opinions stated in this article are not my own... because I would have put Seven of Nine higher up on my list, removed Aeon Flux, and added Marina Sirtis (Deanna Troi).


Alex said...

And I would have added Jennifer Morrison and Kari Byron.

Matt said...

I would have added Summer Glau.